Felt so bad after reading this. Ladies going to job is fine... but definitely not after they have got a kid. Amma - Appa paasam cannot be replaced by some caretaker. Please for heaven sake understand that.. both the parents going for job to run a decent comfortable life is all understandable, but not at the cost of the affection and care that is to be shown towards their child.
23 comments:
These are times when even the earned millions of dollars or rupees dont make sense if the ones you think love dont love you...
Totally feel pity for the kid. And this is something I have seen in person from my neighbour's son who used to stay at my house till his mom came back.
In my opinion it is ok if career suffers, but your kid is happy.
its really pitiful yaar..Leaving a kid at home alone hurts it more. If it had been with grandparents in that house, the kid may not feel so much..
I feel both can make some compromises in the career so as to give the kid the care it needs.
Not only the kid i sometimes feel that people r making very big compromise in their personal life for the sake of money..
So, what are you suggesting?
@ Harish - True. panam kaasu kuduthu paasatha vangave mudiyadhu anyday!
@ K7 In my opinion it is ok if career suffers, but your kid is happy. Cant agree more on this da. 100thula oru vaarthai.
@ Padma, what do you mean by leaving the kids with grandparents? Do you mean to say that they are unpaid care takers? That is the worst treatment that one can give to their parents. To bring them home just to take care of their kids and i have seen that in many places. Till the couples get a kid they stay alone and away from their parents, but once they get a baby and are not able to cope up with their schedule and the baby, they choose to bring their parents! Are the parents your servants? Yes they would ofcourse feel happy to take care of their grandchildren, but it should be like, they should only play with the baby and teach the baby good morals, ada vitutu aduku aaya vela pakaradhu avaloda velai illa.
Idavida mosamana treatment oru parentsku nambakudukave mudiyadhu. They have struggled so much to bring you up, and when it is time for them to take rest, you again make them struggle. Oru kuzhandaiya kannkothi pambatam pathukaravellai na summa illa. It needs a lot of porumai and nidhanam.
I strongly have the opinion after marriage the girl should live with her in-laws and not go separately. Also if she is working, do the households and then only go for job, because for all the struggle that the parents have taken for so many years, it is only after a daughter-in-law comes to the house the lady of the house can take a bit rest. So ada purinju nadandhukanum. Ada vitutu na velaiku poren ne adupadilaye okandhu samai ndradhu is worst behaviour.
@ Naren, I suggest, if it is necessary for a girl to go to job, yes let her go before she gets a baby. But after a child, she should definitely quit the job, stay at home and see the baby grow. She should take the responsiblity in bringing up the kid in a good way. When it starts to go to school, she must help it learn its lessons in the initial days. When the child gets into its teens, the mother should become his/her best friend and should take utmost care coz it is the prime time of the child where it can take a wrong direction in its life. Idu dhan enoda stand. So ladies going to work after a child is not adviceable according to me.
hey don't have hard feelings.. i didn't mean it in a way u said. i said the kids should not feel lonely..
But as per ur statement the daughter in law should serve the parents in law.. can u tell any son in law doing such things his wife 's parents.. r they not tired of working hard for their daughter.. they are mroe stressed in terms of money also..
I'm not sugessting for a nuclear family but a joint family..
Also i don't believe in a concept of gals sacrificing always..
Their is also another point of view for this what abt the middle class wife who has no other go but to go for a job for the families economy and still had to do all the household chores and take care of the kids and not getting luv and affection from the kids also.. y r we not considering the mom's feelings.. anyway opinion differs. so no hard feelings pls:)..
@Sri
1) Child care & development is the joint responsibility of both the partners.
2) A complete full stop to a woman's career is totally unacceptable!
3) Will you follow what you have suggested?
About the post itself - May be in case of some nuclear families, where both parents are working, the child may feel left out. But you can't generalize it!
hmmm....heavy topic.
But beg to differ, having a child should not put a full stop to a woman's career. it gets tougher agreed and it has to be balanced. but that doesn't mean one has to cave into the pressure and quit. Spend time with the kids, maintain a healthy balance. when this balance tips over is when the child feels alienated. adhukaga velakke poga koodathunu solradhu, is not quite fair in all frankness. why the same applies to the father as well illiya?...so when it's acceptable that the father be able to balance his prof and personal life, why isn't that the case for the mother?
i understand that a mother's responsibility and job is far more demanding but then that should be the reason for this biased outlook.
i know a good number of women who are quite successful in their career and their family's also quite well; and not with much external help!
what's needed is to gear up to take on the dual role, the additional responsibility. not to chicken out of one and devote all ur time to another.
i bet a lot of kids out there whose mothers have achieved this balance are immsensely proud of their mother's success and glad that her career didn't have to be axed to bring them up.
bottomline, if you can't handle 2 lives at once, if a bit of more challenge is too much to handle, give in and look after ur kid because end of the day, that's what is more important (because the man of the house surely won't make that sacrifice, so you're the obvious scape goat).
but if you have the nerve to pull this off...go ahead and make a good wholesome life! afterall, if this had not been the case, we sure wouldn't have seen the likes of padma ravichandar etc.
After all the talks about gender equality going around, i'd say it would be hypocrisy at it's peak to encourage women to step down owing to family pressure.
it's a more of an individual choice really. nothing to be judged about (whether it's wrong or right).
And no! it's not unfair seeking some help from the kid's grand parents to take care of them! it would be extreme to term it as a mistreatment unless you manage to make the granny do all the cooking, washing, cleaning for you as well! if it's a joint family, there has to be some help to the wife as well!
why isn't that what the concept of family supposed to be???!...
be supportive in times of need. i would have accepted it if you had asked the husband as well to shoulder some responsibilities.
let's face it, it's definitely not a woman's sole aim in life to maintain a healthy family....it's not her responsibility alone either!
being a woman, i strongly feel that there's more to my life than dedicating it entirely to my kids and husband.
and yeah, i would never sacrifice my career (after all i have gone thru to get where i am)...not even take a break from it (unless i do it out of my own free will) merely because of the fact that i got a family to raise!
there's more to a woman than the whole 'mother' thingy. and i hate our society to push this idea forward that mothers are supposed to make those sacrifices, which is what puts in that element of divinity.
because in all fairness, mothers are also very much human!...a person who must have their own choice in their lives and an identity that should be more than mrs so and so or mother of so and so....call me a feminist, but i'd still stretch every last muscle to make sure i dont lose my identity.
That was a very sad poem... I really feel no kid should under go this. But at the same time I think the Dad is also equally responsible. No point blaming only the mom. I feel the Father and Mother of the family should share responsibilities among each other and run the family successfully. I am not much in favor of the mother relinquishing completely her dreams about career for her family. But its more of a person to person thing... so cant be generalized.
i feel so proud to have (had) a working mom.
As Pradeep, IV-B, i might have had such feelings at times...but as Pradeep who is 27 years old, i cannot thank my mother enough for the way she has brought me up. She is simply the best.
It's important to give kids enough quality time, but that doesn't by any means imply that a mother shouldn't have a career.
Sat- only a male chauvinist will call you a feminist. India needs women like you very much.
and KK is absolutely right when he says it's a person to person thing.
i believe that 99% of the things in this world cannot be classified as either black or white and the issue in hand does not fall in the other 1%. Well, atleast that's how i see it :P
Hi Heidi,
My first time here! Nice blog!!
I do not totally agree with you...I agree that a child should have the full attention of the parents to have a "healthy" childhood but that does depend on only the woman..why should she sacrfice her job to take care of the kid? Gone are those days where women were the only caretakers. Its not the responisbility of both man and women to share everything..maybe a good arrangement will be to alterantately come early in the evening to engage the child or proivde more attention during the weekends.....this is mu humble opinion!
!!en comment kaaka ushhh aaiduthu :(
@ Sat - Appriciate your view point, but as you say its a personal thing and also depends on how one person is brought up. The family set up is also to be considered before taking the stand. I dont mean to say only the mom should sacrifice, the father is also equally responsible, but a mother is always more special when the kid is at its tender age and need that perfect care.
@ Kirukkal - Welgum
@ Gils yen ena aachu? Repost what you had posted. Im not sure why kaka thuki poi ur earlier post :(
There are two sides to a coin. Personally from my life, as a kid I hated the fact that both my parents worked, but during teens I understood the fact that it is required that both parents work for a healthy family style. The kavidhai here is really good and had to be appreciated as it is. Yettu suraikai Karikku Udhavaadhu.
touchy one sri... ppl shud understand that therez more in life than money .... some ppl argue that they wrk for the child's sake.. but itz not gonna wrk... and I strongly believe in ladies takin care of the child..Amma kite thaan antha skills irukku...thatz the natural way... (kirukks r u reading this?)
@ Sriram, ettu surakaai kariku udavadu nu theriyum, at the same time we cannot cook jus papers (Read it as money) You need people to eat that and more than that the food needs to be served. Evalo dhan kodi kodiya sambadhichalum sendhu okandu sapadradho or kozhandaiku ootividaradho cannot be replaced. Time is very precious in life than money. If we cannot spend that with our kids at its tender age, we might not be able to do that forever!
@ Naren. Yes, if i get a baby, i wont go for work after that. Im not career oriented and i strongly believe, a mother can never be replaced by anyone else in this world. Father's love and affection is also necessary, but a mother is always a step above the father.
@ Dakalti - Well said :)
seri Ram'ayum yennayum deal'a vittuteenga?? :D
err manithividavum KK.
Ram oda ida pathi kadai perisa na chat la pesiten already 2 yrs back :D
and nenga sonadhu rite.. its a person to person thing. Amma appa equal contribution iruku, illangala, still appa and amma's contribution are in different terms. Amma oda personal touch appa kita varadhu. She knows by her instincts what the child needs, but it lacks in the dad. Nothing to blame him. If he doesnt earn the bread, there is no family. Appa can also be not replaced. I remember a poem.
Be strict as a father and Warm as a mother. So each one has their role to be played in a family. Role mathi nadicha drama success agadhu :) again this is my humble opinion. and opinion differs :)
Heidi, may be u r alos right. But the child needs both their time. Having said that, the mom need not always stop working for her kid. But she has to have the priorities. Again, its not just 'she' but both of parents have to have the pririties in life. If any one of the partners is a natural home maker, then its great enuf to make the kid live like prince :)
Reflects the state of situation in SOME economically rising families. -“Kannavai vitru toogam vankum kalangal”.Migavum urukamana kavithai.
un piLLayena unarththa (last section) romba rumaya irundhadhu..
i agree...children need parents affection at that age... Life has become like a fast food and children are also born and brought up the same way. it might look like its nice but it wont help in the long run.
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